Thursday, June 14, 2012

A lesson in anger...

So recently we were visiting my husband's family who are lovely mashAllah. They don't speak English so my husband translates a lot for me, and translates a lot of what they say to me. I do speak a little of their language so I try hard even if I make mistakes I don't mind.

Now in the 3 years we've been married, my SIL through marriage (who is my husband's brother's wife) has never really spoken much to me. Despite the fact that her husband and mine speak fluent English. She never asks me any questions through translation or directly. All this time I've just thought she was a quiet person, and that she was shy.

But the last time we visited, my husband's best friend and his wife of 2 years came to see us all. I knew this girl a little before her marriage, so we weren't total strangers. So, there we were in the kitchen: me, my SIL (my husband's sister), my SIL through marriage and this wife of my husband's best friend. 

Now I knew that the last 2 didn't really know each other too well, and yet as soon as we sat down they chatted away constantly. I tried to ask the wife some questions in her language and she replied, but she asked me nothing back - despite the fact I am 6 months pregnant, she didn't even ask me how I am, nothing, zero, zilch.

I started to feel very angry as they yapped on, nobody making any effort with me at all, and stared out the window. My husband's sister God bless her talked to me a little but the other 2 just completely ignored me.

I started to realise my BIL's wife was actually not the quiet shy person I thought and that all these years she just made no effort, and the wife of my husband's best friend I thought she was just being rude.

As I sat there growing even more intensely angry I started to wonder what this said about me. Being Irish, we are totally friendly to new people we meet and would do everything to make a new acquaintance feel comfortable and included. This is shown by asking lots of questions about a person, and making chit chat, basically showing some interest in them without being over personal, nosy or forward. I have always made this effort with my BIL's wife.

I started to wonder why I was expecting other people to give me the treatment that I would give to someone, and how that wasn't really fair - after all this was a different country and they had a more formal less inclusive culture. My anger started to completely dissipate as I started to feel more sad than angry...sad that they didn't come from a culture like mine, sad that I expected my own behaviours from others, sad that after 3 years my BIL's wife still wouldn't reach out to me.

I asked myself why I felt it was so important for me to get equivalent treatment from people I don't really spend much time with, and realised perhaps it was my own vanity/ego that wanted it, to be seen as 'equal' despite the fact I am older than both of them. I decided in the future I would be nice and friendly without expecting it back.

Because in Islam, isn't that how we are told we need to be? How many examples are there in the Hadith of the Prophet s.a.w.s where he was friendly and neighbourly to people who showed him nothing but hatred, ridicule or insult. InshaAllah I can try to be like him....

And this is what builds Sabr in a person and Sabr builds acceptance and acceptance allows one to accept anything from Allah swt, all trials and tests, and THIS is how to build your Imaan and be successful and happy in Islam :)

InshaAllah I can become like this.



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